Trigger words
‘Oh my goodness Lottie, you look so well’
‘You’re looking so healthy’
‘Those jeans fit so much better’
‘You’ve got your bum back’
Noise, excuse me whilst I just plug my ears...
Trigger words — for me these words used to trigger me, big time… and hand on heart, I wonder if they will ever not make me reflect and think about my body.
‘Healthy, meaty, better, strong, glowing, so well…’
Honestly, just writing them makes me feel a type of way, oh gosh, ooft, it is funny how even though I have healed from my past over time, certain words really have the ability to transport you, evoke memories and on bad days, cause hurt.
Although these may be complementary and flattering words, they signal a change, a difference, a shift in physique… this can cause comparison, worry, fear, frustration, and a questioning as to whether you are making the right choice to recover and heal, trust me, hearing these words can send you 10 steps backwards, no matter where you are at on your journey.
More often than not, these trigger words come from your nearest and dearest. Looking back, I am now aware of how happy family and friends can be to see you’re your progress whilst you are on a recovery journey. Although the compliments come from love, joy and excitement, with zero bad intention, there is almost like this switch in your mind that flicks the compliment or encouraging words into a negative. This can be truly pivotal and can cause you to want to back track on the hard work you have put in. It as though you automatically reject the compliment, then that’s where the thoughts start to spiral. The emotions become suffocating and the volume button on the food and body noise becomes stuck on high. Sometimes, this can also cause you to shut off, loose trust from those that issued the word, and lead to isolation and internalising.
I can’t really explain why, but I am going to try… it is as though you know you are helping your body get back to health, and that you will feel brighter, more alive, that those people did not intend their words to hurt you, but there is this constant battle of actually wanting to recover. The battle ground is flooded with fear. Fear of losing control, perhaps a fear that you will never be able to stop putting the weight on, a fear that people will think you look better ‘skinny’, a fear that you will be a lesser person because you ‘lost your will power’. A deep rooted fear of change.
Trigger words, even in the form of a compliment, can turn into a revolving door of negative connotations, and leaving one feeling trapped, exhausted, turning in circles with an exit right in front of oneself but totally torn as to whether they should jump out the exit at the next turn, or stay in this claustrophobic cycle. I took the exit, but it wasn’t easy, and somedays trigger words arise, but I found peace in the fact that healing is not linear, and my mind, body and soul need some grace for getting me so far.
You know what, triggers don’t even have to be words, it can be people, places, clothing, foods… all of which have the ability to unlock and unload a whole heap of negative, anxiety inducing emotions that often feel too much to handle. Find peace in the fact that this is ok, you are not alone, and that these words do not have authority over you, even though you may not realise this for a while. As someone once said to me 'Lottie, these words may fly over your head, but do not let them make a nest.'
All photography by Camila Urreaa
Consider this a note to the people struggling with eating disorders, to the friends and family that surround them, to myself… be careful with your words, show your love, give a little grace, keep pushing and hang tight.
Big hug,
Lottie x